Terrible Things
by aeojune
Summary: Cophine post-season one. Painful, according to my Tumblr readers, so read with your own discretion. Read and review? Thank you!


_A/N: Collective upload of three different parts of one story. Updates more frequent in my Tumblr account, so just drop by there, I guess. Also, I'm working on a next part for this. :) I don't own anything, mistakes are mine._

**On the Other Side**

Tears fell endlessly from your eyes as life faded away from the woman you hold in your arms-as well as in your heart.

"Hold me until I-"  
"Always, Cosima. _Always_."  
"I love you. So much."  
"I love you too, chérie. I love you too," you murmur, your voice breaking along with your heart.

She coughs once again and dark red liquid dribbles down her lips. You wipe it away with a trembling thumb. She smiles at you as her eyelids drift shut.

"I'll wait for you, yeah?"

You bite your lip to hold back your sob as she falls limp in your arms.

"I'll be there," you whisper.

Out of Goodbyes

"It's time to go Delphine," Sarah cooed as she looked down at her. The rain continued to softly pour down, as if joining in the somber atmosphere that everyone was in. Delphine shook her head and hugged her knees tighter as she sat on the ground, staring at the freshly placed tombstone.

_Herein rests__  
__Cosima Margarethe Niehaus__  
__1984-2015_

"No. I promised her I wouldn't leave her," Delphine murmured. She reached out for cold marble and traced Cosima's name, now carved permanently in the stone.

Cosima. She was gone and here her body laid.

Her body, which Delphine had so lovingly held in Cosima's battle for her life. She proudly and nobly fought as they tried to search for the answers so phantom and indefinite that they inevitably failed.

_She_ failed.

She failed Cosima.  
_Cosima._

"I know, Delphine, but-"

"No, Sarah," Delphine cut off, her voice breaking along with her heart, if she even had one anymore. It could've been six feet under the ground for all she cared. "I'm not going to leave her. I promised her that."

Sarah sighed and bit her lip. She knew Delphine would of course be the most affected but she didn't expect full shutdown, especially of Delphine-she was the most enthusiastic before, always bearing smiles and jokes to cheer everyone up while things continued spiraling downwards.

It was all a front, apparently.

Sarah sighed and removed her jacket before handing it to Delphine. "Your raincoat's not going to be enough," she said softly. Delphine took the jacket wordlessly with a small nod. "I'll be back with the others to bring you things." With that, Sarah left the grieving woman who crumbled deeper into sorrow as rain fell down, rivulets washing down on her like the cold, hard truth.

Cosima was gone.

_"I'll wait for you, yeah?"_Her words rang clearly in her head. They were the only thought in her mind.

"I'll be here," Delphine promised once again, burying her face against the fabric of her jeans as she gripped on the cold marble for dear life. "Always."

**Terrible Things**

It takes Sarah, Alison, _and _Felix to tear you away from that place. In the deepest recesses of your mind you thank them because you just had to leave that lonely place; not only because you haven't moved to do _anything _for almost two days but also because you have to start _moving on._

Because Cosima was gone and no amount of crying or begging for forgiveness from a slab of marble to which her presence had diminished to would change that fact.

Cosima was gone and that was the only thought in your conscious being. And the reason you just sat there in front of her gray, cold tombstone was because you promised her. You promised Cosima that you will always be there for her and you will be, because it was the only thing you could do now. You weren't able to save her and the only way you could make it up to the love of your life was to at least fulfill the last request that escaped from her pale lips.

_I'll wait for you, yeah?_

You promised her that you'll be there with her.

And that was why you fought so hard against all three of them who wanted to bring you home. That god-awful cemetery was your home now because that was where Cosima was—and where you'll stay as well. The three didn't know just where a woman like you got the strength to fight three adults without eating or sleeping for two days.

They know because the stacks of food they had brought were left untouched, even the bottles of water were left unopened. You deemed them unnecessary. You didn't have the appetite to eat as well because they unknowingly had brought your favorite kinds of food—which, incidentally, were Cosima's.

("Come on, Delphine. Just try it; I swear it's awesome"_, _she once begged you. You never really liked vegan dishes until that day she fed you the broccoli using her lips._  
_("Delphine," she singsonged as she walked inside the lab that one time you were working on some sequences. "Try this lasagna I got from that new restaurant downtown! I swear my tastebuds had orgasms."  
("Come on, just try this roast beef. You'll fall in love with it," she coaxed during dinner in one of the diners she dragged you into after the conference she participated in.  
(The stir-vegetables, lasagna, and roast beef became staples on your dinner table especially when Cosima craved for them—)

"We're here, Delphine," Sarah murmurs. You sat on the passenger's seat of her car while Felix and Alison were in the backseat. You look out the window and find that you're in Felix's loft.

Suddenly you remember that night. You were staring into nothingness, looking so lost as you tried to figure out how to escape Leekie's wrath when she said those words that still haunt you to this day.

_I'm sick, Delphine._

A gut-wrenching sob escapes your lips and Sarah's arms are immediately around you. The warmth is unfamiliar but welcome. "Ssh," she coos.

You grieve without tears in the car for quite a while, Sarah's arms around you, Felix's hand on your shoulder, and Alison's soothing voice in your ear. "It's alright," she repeats in soft murmurs. Your tears have run out but the pain keeps growing tenfold and your chest threatens to cave in many times because you feel empty.

You just know that Alison is lying. It wasn't alright and it will never be.

You stayed in Felix's loft for the next few days because no matter how badly you wanted to return to your home—yours and Cosima's—you couldn't bear the sight of everything looking the same yet all had changed. It was empty now, even with all the things in it: The numerous books and equipment you had acquired in the search for the answers you never found, the hundreds of photos and albums you had taken then every day because Cosima begged you to do so, the shelves of vinyl records of Cosima's favorite songs—

The CDs of videos of you and Cosima.

You just know that it would take you some time before you can even set foot back in the real world. You still visit Cosima, every day for the last few days from the break of dawn to sunset. You bring her yellow tulips every time. It was her favorite.

("Yellow tulips?" You once asked. She just smiled at you.  
("Yeah. Yellow tulips. Generally, tulips mean perfect love," she explained as she laced your hands together. "Yellow tulips once represented hopeless love, I think; now they just mean sunshine and bright and cheerful thoughts. I just love how it had evolved from hopelessness to positive emotions."  
(She chuckled at her own answer but you swore you just fell even more in love with her that day.)

You fail to find the sunshine those flowers symbolize. You watch them wither against the lush green of the grass in the graveyard as you trace Cosima's name over and over again. Your fingers had long memorized the lines and the curves embossed in the marble but it helps you cope with the pain even if just a little.

But the pain never went away.

It was a week after they had laid Cosima to rest, or so you think. You look outside and see the first rays of sunlight breaking into the windows of the loft. You had lost your sense of time; good god, you have even forgotten what day it is. You grab your jacket and hurry because you know Cosima was waiting for you.

_I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you_

_I'll wait for you_

It echoed in your head, even in your sleep.

_I'm sick, Delphine__  
__I wanted to trust you_

_How am I supposed to believe that_

_I'll wait for you_

_I love you, Delphine__  
__I'm sick, Delphine_

_I love youI'msickDelphineI'llwaitfor you I'llwait_

_WAitI'llwaitfor you_

You broke down into a sobbing mess that morning when you couldn't just find it in you to keep yourself together. You hear her voice in your head and it drove you insane. You promised her that you'll be there with her, _for her, _and the thought of following her finally dawns in your mind.

You didn't get to visit Cosima that day. You sat on the makeshift bed, arms around your knees as you thought repeatedly of the absurd thing your mind had suggested.

_I'll wait for you, yeah?_

Maybe she meant following her?

You cried yourself to sleep that night, thoughts of Beth—the clone who took her life—in your mind. If she could do it, so can you. You have reasons.

You bring her white tulips the next day and promised to never miss again.

You didn't talk to anyone else. You only eat when Sarah or Alison force you to. It hurt beyond comprehension that you had to stay with them, that you had to see _them _in the flesh. They were Cosima's clones and even though they will never compare to her—her soft hands and her melodious laughter and her brilliance that always intrigued you or her ever mirthful hazel eyes and her warm smile that never faded even during her last days—they were a painful reminder of who you have lost.

It hurt beyond comprehension and the pain never went away.

It was fifty-seven days after they had laid Cosima to rest, or so you think, when Sarah stopped you from going.

"Why are you awake?" You ask.

(Even the word 'awake' reminds you of her.  
(It was that one night when she requested you to sing a song as you laid in bed, your arms around her.  
("But what would I sing?" You ask.  
("I don't know; surprise me," she said with a grin. The life in her eyes were a contrast to the paleness of her skin and her lips and you open your own to breathe out the words-  
_ Stay awake for me, I don't want to miss anything__  
__ I will share the air I breathe, I'll give you my heart on a string__  
__ If it's a hero you want, I can save you, just stay here__  
_(You mean more than just the word and the tears in her eyes as you ended the song proved that she knew.  
("I'm sorry," she whispered.)

"You need to stop this, Delphine," Sarah says, breaking the reverie you were in. Tears cloud your vision and you wipe them away with shaking hands.

"I don't know what you mean. Now if you'll excuse me; my lady awaits," you murmur and try to walk past her but she grabs you by the wrist.

"Delphine," she whispers, her voice broken. You can't even look at her because you will see an image of Cosima and—

"You have to stop this," Sarah continues. "I know it hurts but you have to start letting her go. This… It's not healthy. Look at you." You frown at her and pull your hand away.

"I promised her that I'll always be there and I will make true with that promise," you say adamantly. You shrug on the jacket on your arm and sigh. "I'll talk to you later tonight, Sarah." With that you walk away but her next words stop you in your tracks.

"I was there too, Delphine! You're not the only one who lost Cosima, okay?" Sarah rubbed her face with her hand frustratedly. "I saw her die in your arms that bloody night and I heard her last words as well. And _this? _This was not what she meant."

You have never turned around faster in your life. "How dare you tell me—"

"You're throwing your life away, Delphine!" Sarah yells as she closes the distance between you. She stands in front of you and you stare down at her. You meet eye-to-eye, both of yours glazed with tears. "Do you think she wanted this for you?" She raises her hand and pokes you hard on the chest, where your heart was supposed to be.

(It was gone now, buried along with Cosima in that godforsaken graveyard—)

"She would've wanted you to keep going with your life, because Cosima is like that. She wouldn't want you to stop living and throw your life away because she was gone. You're wasting the fight she had begun, Delphine." Sarah shakes her head. "If she's watching over you, and I know she is, she's probably grieving as well. For your own death."

Sarah turns on her heels and leaves with that. You stay frozen where you are for a beat or two before tears burst forth like waterfalls from your eyes, Sarah's words piercing through your thick defenses. You suddenly realize just how selfish you are for doing this and you once again beg for Cosima's forgiveness. Strings of _I'm sorry_s left your lips as you're left alone in the loft.

You feel lonely now but you realize you're not alone and the bruising spot on your chest proves it.

You bring her white tulips again, both because you were late and because of the understanding now resting in your head. You sit on the grass and trace her name as usual but this time actual words fall from your lips.

"I'm sorry, ma ch_é_rie. I'm so sorry," you whisper as you weep. You grip the tombstone and rest your forehead against the cold marble. Your eyes are closed as you imagine Cosima with you, in the here and now. "I'm so sorry," you repeat.

When Sarah drops by to pick you up that night, you voluntarily leave with a kiss on her name.

You still visit her every day and never fail to bring her yellow tulips. Days became weeks and slowly, you transition back to the life you had before. It was never the same but you try.

You move back to your house and although it hurt to see things untouched from that last night, it made you comfortable to know that this was familiar territory. You drown yourself in research by day and torture yourself at night by watching the videos Cosima recorded—her dancing around, making jokes, kissing you. They made you smile, even just a little bit, and you fall asleep into dreams of that beautiful woman.

It was always hard to wake up then but you learned to accept things be.

It was a year after they laid Cosima to rest when you decide to go through with it. With the help your friends and colleagues and all the things you have left of her, you fulfill her dream.

("Do you want kids one day, Delphine?" She once asked you. You looked at her with a small smile and kissed her forehead.  
("Do you?"  
(She grinned and nodded. "A girl. And give her my second name.")

You use science and faith to guide you and nine months later, you give birth to a splitting image of Cosima. The doctors lay her in your arms and you smile down at the little bundle of joy. Your heart stops when the little girl wraps her tiny hand around your pinky.

"What are you gonna name her?" Sarah asks.

You smile at the three of your friends who stayed with you through the journey of this whole thing. You kiss the tiny hand around your finger and sigh softly.

"Margarethe Cormier."


End file.
